Without a woman’s particular sexual makeup in the equation, it changes the sexual equation. Gay men have a greater capacity (in general) for “sport sex,” and less about foreplay they can separate sex from love more easily. Gay men are much more likely, in general, to only “not” be appalled at the idea of another person (man) having sex with their partner/spouse, but to be turned on by it. Part of this is cultural and historical part of this is the nature of men’s sexuality in general (hey, truth be told, MANY more straight men would be non-monogamous if given the opportunity by their wives, as I have learned from working with straight men in my practice, and some (just like gay men) take that prerogative even if it’s directly violating a monogamy agreement). We all know that gay male couples are much more likely to entertain the idea of, or even be in, a non-monogamous relationship. How these dynamics are expressed, and the conflicts that can result, are often the impetus for entering couples therapy.Ģ.Sex – Gay male couples tend to approach sex differently. In every gay male relationship, there is overt power, and there is covert or “passive-aggressive” power. There can also be an irony that the older, higher-earning partner can be the sexual bottom role in the relationship, and it’s in the bedroom where issues of power, control, and dominance can be “played with,” reversed, or expressed. Conversely, a straight man who earns less than his wife can feel humiliated, jealous, or dejected (from both women and other men), all from society’s strong and ubiquitous messages of what it expects from men – it’s not even up for discussion or conscious awareness it just “is.” So when two gay men form a relationship, issues of each partner competing to be the breadwinner often arise. Straight men face a lot of social pressure, still, to earn more than their wives.
There are many potential pressures to face and overcome.
Gay men of color face a dual challenge in managing social reactions and pressures from being both gay and people of color, and also gender expectations.
When money issues arise in gay male relationships, I believe it’s because all American men (and elsewhere) are still, even in our oh-so-modern times, expected to the “breadwinners.” White men, especially of middle class or higher socio-economic status, are socialized to “getting their way,” enjoying a social privilege (whether they want it or not) among all demographics. It’s hard to find a gay male couple where issues of competition don’t come up, whether regarding physical appearance, social influence, or income. The sexism that women only earn a portion of what men earn, for the same work, extends to both gay men and straight men. Statistically, white men tend to be relatively high earners. Money – Gay male couples can have a lot of conflict around money.